The Darkest Night
by Elizagoth
Summary: Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. - Helen Keller
1. Today Like Yesterday

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 2,633

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

Author's Notes: This one gets pretty dark. Hopefully you'll see it through before passing judgment.

-- For Kate --

_It didn't seem to end. The darkness stretched on either side of me as I scoured the hallway. I had been here a thousand times; it was always the same, but at the same time I always managed to be surprised. Cold steel pressed into my tightened grip, grounding me with its familiar weight as I kicked down closed doors. A laugh, cold and chilling, echoed off the walls and in my head. It seemed to be everywhere and nowhere at once, taunting me. The laugh preceded a pained scream and I began searching in earnest. I didn't know what I was looking for, but the darkness was closing in and I had to find whatever it was. Around me the walls moved closer and I struggled to breathe, fighting to keep going. I fell to my knees, pushed by an imaginary weight, and I cried as my name was screamed somewhere in the darkness…_

Jolting awake, I stifled the scream that wanted to escape and wiped the moisture from my eyes. A look at the clock revealed it was still early, but I could never go back to sleep after the nightmare. Usually I didn't wake up so soon after I had passed out. I'd only been unconscious for an hour or two. Must not have drunk enough I mused, rising from my rumpled bed sheets and padding out to the kitchen. A bottle of whiskey stood empty, forgotten beside a mostly full one.

"Hair of the dog," I muttered into the silence, taking a long swallow from the full bottle.

As I drank, I could feel the whiskey numbing the guilt, the pain, the heart ache. All the things I had no time for anymore. They were pushed farther and farther to the edges of my conscious mind as the bottle emptied.

Around me New York continued on, a steady heartbeat to my pain. It was still in my dingy apartment, but outside the sounds of life trundled on. A baby cried above me, a cabbie honked outside. Traffic moved like blood through the veins of the city. Knowing it was all still out there was enough. I no longer felt the need to be a part of it all like I once had. The four walls of my small, rat-hole apartment were the only place I felt like existing and sometimes not even there.

My father offered to put me up after I left my job. I took his support and threw it back in his face, just like I had to everyone else. He still came around, one of the few who dared, yet we mostly didn't speak. Once a month to loan me money to pay my bills, which was always declined. I hadn't been frivolous with my money when I had been working, never lived outside my means, and I still had a considerable inheritance left over from my mother. All which kept me afloat and independent for the time being.

After I left the police force I had put up the ruse of looking for another job for awhile, but eventually gave up, knowing no one would take me. I didn't want to be hired. It would become just a place where my reputation preceded me. I had quit to get away from it all. The stares and peripheral lingering glances; conversations that stopped as soon as I walked into a room. I knew what they were saying about me. How I was losing my mind and my grip on reality was slipping. Even Esposito and Ryan gave up defending me after awhile. Eventually I stopped caring, and started proving them right.

Montgomery was sad to see me go, but I could tell he thought it was for the best. I knew he had been taking heat for months about me; that he was the only thing standing between me and being fired. I was never cleared to return to the field and riding a desk while everyone gawked like I was a sideshow attraction was slowly stifling the will out of me. Even my legendary resolve crumbled under their scrutiny and I cracked. A dog can only be kicked so many times before it stops trying to get up, and I'd taken one too many blows. So I gave up; faded back into the woodwork. I made myself almost unrecognizable, until I began to look a bit like someone who was in the paper for awhile.

The bottle fell from my limp hand, clattering to the floor and rolling under my chair. I let the refuge of oblivion sink into my brain as the alcohol rushed through my tired body and soothed my tired mind.

A muffled shuffling made me stir and I fought a moan as sunlight pierced into my hang over. My head throbbed, everything hurt. On the outside it felt like even my hair had a hang over, but inside I was comfortably numb.

"Oh Katie Girl," I heard sighed from somewhere behind me.

I stood unsteadily on tottering legs, stiff from my stint in the rickety arm chair, and turned to the kitchen behind me. Lanie stood in the kitchen with a garbage bag, gathering up the empty bottles that seemed to pile up faster and faster.

"Hey, you're awake. Do you want something to eat?" she asked, leaving the bag by the counter and stopping at the table, afraid to get too close.

They were all skittish around me. I couldn't blame them. Even my father didn't attempt to hug me anymore. As if their touch could shatter my outside as much as my inside had been.

I shook my head, feeling my stomach revolt at the idea of food. Lanie always came every week to make sure I had food in the fridge. Most of it went untouched until she came the next time to throw it out.

"Coffee," I croaked, my throat still raw from the whiskey burn.

With a resigned sigh, she brought a Starbucks cup into view on the table and went back to cleaning up. For the first few months I had tried to dissuade her, but eventually, like everything else, I had stopped caring. She was as stubborn as I used to be and I knew that if she didn't clean and make sure I had something to eat, I wouldn't bother. It was just pile up like everything else in my life. A tangible reminder of my internal battle, fought and lost.

"Ryan and Esposito say hi. They said they would try to visit this weekend if they could," Lanie chattered on, mostly to herself as I half listened. "Oh and Martha left tickets for her opening night tomorrow. She hopes you'll come."

"Tomorrow!?" my head shot up from looking at my coffee cup. "I thought that was next week."

"That was a week ago," Lanie reminded patiently.

Time was beginning to get away from me more and more these days. It slid by without my acknowledgement or notice. The wheels were turning but I didn't dare look at the odometer.

"I have to go," I said, leaving the cup on the table. "I'm supposed to get Alexis from the train station."

Alexis was the one person in the world I cared about disappointing. She was gone away to school most of the time, so I kept up a brave front when she was home. The last thing she needed on top of law school was worrying about me.

"Sweetie, she got in this morning," Lanie explained, and I felt my face fall. "The boys picked her up and took her home. She's coming in an hour, so go jump in the shower and sober the hell up."

I nodded, still angry with myself, but did as I was told. The water was scalding hot, but I got in anyway. As the stream pelted my skin, boiling my hangover away, I let my mind wander briefly to happier times.

Alexis had been so happy when she'd gotten her acceptance to Harvard. There was no doubt that she would get in. She had worked too hard for her marks and to compile activities to beef up her application. Then there was of course the fact that she was who she was. When Alexis Castle set her mind to something, she made it happen; learning to fence, mastering the violin, getting into law school. Whatever she wanted, she worked damn hard to get it. It was difficult not to be proud of her. We all were. Even threw her a big party to celebrate.

With so many of Alexis's friends around, we had all huddled in the kitchen, out of the way. Ryan and Esposito had sipped their beers and kept a close watch on the gawky teen boy who had been holding Alexis's hand. The duo had sat at the kitchen table, within the boy's line of sight and barely blinked. Judging by the furtive glances he had kept throwing their way, the scare tactic worked.

Martha and her latest beau had been at the other end of the table, huddled in their own little discussion of things gone past. She had smiled demurely and rested an arm on the man's forearm, leaning in slightly to hear him speak.

Castle and I had been leaning against the kitchen island, observing the whole scene passively. I barely remember what we had spoken about, it had seemed so insignificant. He had mentioned his frustration that Meredith hadn't attended. Something about her not being the sole focus of all the attention. Our arms touched as we leaned and I remember feeling the warmth through my sleeve.

I halted the recollections like a runaway freight train as they strayed into painful territory. Things better left not thought about. With a glance to my watch on the counter, I shut off the water, having already stayed in too long. Drying off, I swept my damp hair into a ponytail and fished around in my dresser for some mostly clean clothes. Lanie obviously hadn't gotten her neat freakiness around to my bedroom yet. Usually when she was there, I was shuffled drowsily from room to room as she worked, until she finished.

I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and paused, wondering at the changes. My face had taken on a sunken look, making the lines of my jaw and cheeks even sharper. Haunted eyes looked out from the dark circles that only deepened with time. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd gotten a full night's sleep, without alcohol or pills.

"You don't look good, Kate."

I rolled my eyes and spit toothpaste into the sink.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," I muttered, glaring at the figure behind me through the mirror.

He smirked, that infuriating half smile and shrugged. "Just keeping it real."

"That's rich, coming from you," I scowled, shutting the tap off. "Leave me alone, Castle."

I slammed the bathroom door shut on his smug face and saw Alexis sitting at my dining room table. She had a politely curious look on her face as she watched me. Lanie turned from the counter, putting a mug down in front of Alexis and sitting down at another of the dining room chairs.

"Hey Lex," I said, glad my voice was only slightly hoarse. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to pick you up."

"That's okay," Alexis smiled brightly. "Ryan and Esposito let me turn on the siren."

I wondered if I had become so predictable that no one expected me to show up or if the boys would have been there anyway. It was becoming painfully obvious no one trusted me alone with Alexis.

"How's school going?" I asked.

"Good. It's keeping me really busy."

We lapsed into an awkward silence and I looked beyond Alexis to where Castle leaned against a wall, shaking his head. I threw him a glare and turned my gaze to the table.

"Gram wanted me to tell you her show starts at seven tomorrow night. She hopes you'll come."

The earnest look Alexis couldn't quite hide told me that Martha wasn't the only one. I sighed, not wanting to let her down. It had been more than a year since I'd last been seen in public and I didn't know if I could handle being out; especially under the watchful eye of the press.

"We'll see," I hedged, not wanting to refuse outright.

"Okay. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow afternoon, so if you want to come with me just call or well, you know where to find me."

I nodded, knowing that wouldn't happen. I hadn't been to their apartment since it happened and had no intention of doing so.

"Well I better go," Alexis said, standing up and rinsing her mug in the sink. "Walk me out?"

I glared at Lanie who seemed poised to object and followed Alexis into the hall. Castle leaned against a door across the hall and watched the scene with interest.

We walked down the stairs because the building had no elevator, and stopped at the lobby. Alexis turned, hitching her purse higher on her shoulder and pulled me into a tight hug. At first I was stiff, uncomfortable with physical contact after so long, but I felt myself sinking into the embrace. There was nothing like a Castle hug. All three had a way of warming you from the inside, like for a moment you could just let go and they would hold your problems for you.

"He wouldn't want you to be so sad, you know," she murmured into my shoulder. "No one blames you for what happened."

I curled my hands into fists at her back to keep from screaming and lashing out. She had no idea that I blamed myself more than anyone could. I didn't see how she could be so forgiving. It would have been easier if she hated me. Instead she clung to me, determined to keep me afloat no matter how much I just wanted to sink.

"Please come tomorrow," Alexis pleaded one last time. Then she kissed my cheek and walked to the curb to hail a cab.

I turned around to see Castle sitting on the steps, looking up at me.

"She's right you know," he said, raising an eyebrow. "I hate seeing you like this."

"Then leave," I growled, as he stood.

"Make me."

I closed my eyes childishly, but when I opened them he was still standing in front of me. Shaking my head I stomped back up the stairs.

"Don't you have someone else to haunt?" I tossed out to the stairwell.

"No can do Scout," he replied, from the top of the stairs as I reached my floor. "You're the one who won't let go. So until then, you're stuck with my charming self."

"Oh joy," I said, rolling my eyes and opening my apartment door.

Lanie was finishing up the dishes in the sink and looked up when I walked in.

"Who you talking to?" she asked, drying her hands.

"No one."

I glared at Castle where he grinned up at me from the couch. Lanie looked skeptical, but finished putting the cups away.

"Alright, I'm going to get going. Please at least consider going out with Alexis tomorrow? Even if you just tag along while she shops. I know she misses you," Lanie said, stopping an arm's length away from me. "I'll see you next week. I'm working late shift so it probably won't be until the weekend."

I nodded, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans. Lanie looked for a moment like she wanted to hug me, but refrained, instead just taking the plastic bag and heading out the door.


	2. Forever, Scout

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,179

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

Author's Notes: So usually I try to wait about a week between chapters, to give me a chance to get ahead and such, so I don't leave people hanging for a ridiculous amount of time. However, I felt the need to post this in fairly short order because people seem to be under the impression that I was finished. So without further ado, I give you chapter 2. Enjoy and as always thoughts and comments are welcome.

* * *

Alone again, I turned to Castle who had sprawled himself out on my couch.

"Move," I said, fixing him with a stare.

He made a big show of sighing and sitting up, but did what I asked. After kicking off his shoes, he propped his feet up on the coffee table and looked at me sideways, raising his eyebrow when I put my feet in his lap. When he didn't comment I grabbed the remote and flipped on the TV to begin our usual routine.

It was a variation on a theme, day in and day out. Sometimes we'd watch TV or the pile of DVD's I seemed to have inherited. Occasionally I would convince him to tell me a story. We would lay on the couch for hours while I listened to him weave epic tales of murder, mystery, and mayhem.

The day passed slowly, like it always did when I didn't drink, the shadows lengthening as the sun set. Eventually I felt Castle pat my hip, startling me from the daze the TV had lulled me into.

"Up and at 'em, lazy bones. No drinking dinner tonight," he said, gently urging me from the couch.

I mustered up a half hearted glare, but rose from the couch and trudged over to the fridge. A quick browse through fridge and freezer contents revealed that Lanie had stocked both with all my favorites in an effort to entice me to eat. She really was a better friend than I deserved.

"What are we having?" Castle whispered in my ear, making me jump.

"Why don't you just tell me what you want me to have and make both our lives easier?" I shot back, trying to sound annoyed even as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

He pressed a whisper soft kiss to my neck and I felt him smile against my skin. The two halves of my mind warred against each other. Deep down I knew that he wasn't there, but day by day I gave more of myself over to the fantasy.

I finished my meager dinner and at Castle's insistence I indulged in half a pint of the Ben and Jerry's Lanie had bought. Feeling motivated, I even mustered up the effort to do the few dishes in the sink before taking up my post on the couch again.

"Now that wasn't so hard was it?" Castle sighed dramatically.

I chose to ignore him as I pressed play on the DVD and settled against him. The Universal Studios globe began turning on screen as the opening credits rolled.

"What are we watching tonight, Scout?" he asked, twining our fingers together.

"Take a guess," I murmured as Gregory Peck's name appeared on the screen.

Even as the movie played on my crappy TV in my shoebox apartment, I let myself wander to another night. The beat up corduroy couch faded to an expensive leather sectional; the TV top of the line plasma screen. It had been our first 'official' date.

_I felt the warmth of the fireplace heating my skin to a pleasant glow while savage September winds ravaged the city outside. Our wineglasses perched on the table like chess pieces in an evening that was the inevitable conclusion to a game of advance and retreat. _ _I sighed in quiet content as Castle settled behind me on the couch and pushed play on the remote. _

_As the movie began, I let myself absorb the oft sought and rarely attained sense of my universe aligning. For once there were no cases to worry about, no bodies; no teary-eyed victims to console. Only us inside the bubble we had created. _

"_What are we watching," I mumbled, my voice sleepy with relaxation._

"_To Kill a Mockingbird," Castle replied in an equally hushed tone._

"_S'a good one."_

_I felt his chest shake with gentle laughter under me._

"_You going to be able to stake awake?"_

"_M'awake," I said, even as I felt my eyes closing._

_His solid heartbeat thudded in my ear, strong and real. I let it pull me further under, lulled by the steady rhythm. _

I didn't last fifteen minutes into the movie, but he had fallen asleep too. Martha had found us and draped the old afghan over our sleeping bodies before going up to bed herself.

The first time he called me Scout I had frowned and asked what the hell he was talking about. He just gave me that half smile and said that he could imagine me being a lot like the little girl when I was that age. That I still had all the best qualities she possessed. Her courage, her passion, and her drive to see what was below the surface when things weren't as they appeared.

I came off as annoyed, but inside, we both knew I was touched. It quickly became a term of endearment he used only between us. He never uttered it in public and I was glad not to have to defend or explain something so personal to someone who wouldn't understand.

"Come on, I think it's time for bed," Castle said, rubbing my shoulder lightly.

I nodded and rose to my feet, stumbling blindly through my small apartment. I changed and brushed my teeth as Castle popped in and out, always wherever I was. It wasn't until I was faced with the possibility of going to sleep completely sober that I stopped. Standing at the end of my bed, I knew that I had a choice to make. I was riding the fine line that separated want and need. My mind supplied me with images of how my father had struggled under the weight of grief and addiction, and I knew that I couldn't end up like that. I might already be in trouble I thought as I felt Castle behind me.

"Go on then Scout," he urged.

Slowly, like my feet were made of lead, I walked to the side of my bed. As I pulled the covers back and slid into the clean sheets, I fought the urge to panic.

"Castle?" I called into the darkness.

"I'm here, love."

He stood at the end of my bed, and I could make out his silhouette as he moved around to the opposite side of the bed.

"I'm afraid," I whispered, barely able to voice the thought. "I know what I'm going to see when I close my eyes."

Castle got into bed on top of the covers, laying on his side and facing me. I felt his hand cup my cheek and I turned my face to the warmth.

"I can't go there with you," he murmured, moving down my arm to take my hand in his. "But I'll be here when you get back."

"Promise?" I asked, letting the darkness hide my vulnerability.

"For as long as you need me Scout."

I felt him press his lips to my forehead and let my eyes flutter closed. With his hand in mine I let myself drift off, despite the trepidation that thrummed through my whole body.

To Be Continued…

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	3. Let the Pipers Play

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 2,052

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review. It means a lot. At first I was pretty nervous to post this, even though my beta said it was fine. Anyway without further ado, here's the next chapter.

* * *

_I walked through the pathway made by the sea of people. The entire city had been painted black with grief as mourners lined the streets in droves. Among them, the police of the NYPD could be picked out in their dress blues, all with a black band over their badges. It was tradition, done to respect a fallen comrade and really he had been just as much one of us as anyone else. _

_I looked over beside me to where Karpowski walked on the other side of the hearse. Having been in the hospital the day before, I knew most people thought I shouldn't be walking with the casket. It was tough and my battered body protested with every step. However it was far less painful than sitting in the car with Martha and Alexis, like they had wanted. Even thinking of it flooded me with a crippling guilt. So far I managed to avoid them, and hadn't seen them since their hospital visits where I was too high on painkillers to feel much of anything. _

_As we passed, white gloved hands were brought up in a salute. Probably the first and last time they would salute a civilian. The word was that the mayor had plans to make him an honorary NYPD member posthumously. _

_The lights and roar of the motorcycles came to a stop in front of the elegant church. As the drums stopped, the pallbearers moved to the back of the hearse while Karpowski and I stood to follow the family inside. In a surprising move, Alexis took my hand and we walked together behind the casket as Amazing Grace played out. _

_Around my neck the sling itched and I scratched it as Alexis, Martha and I walked up the cathedral steps. I nodded to the priest as we walked in. It was hushed inside, the bagpipes muted by the stone of the building and we took our seats as the casket was settled on the altar. As everyone else filed in, Martha and Alexis went up one at a time to say a final word to Castle._

"_Do you want to say goodbye?" Martha asked as she took a seat on the other side of Alexis in the front pew._

_Not wanting to offend or cause a scene I stood and took a tentative step toward the altar. I didn't know whether to scream or cry or throw up. I wanted to do all three as everyone's eyes watched me walk the few steps toward the casket. _

_With a trembling hand I reached out and touched the green and white fabric of the flag. My hand curled into a fist and I felt myself losing it. The tenuous hold I had on my sanity and self respect was slipping. I could feel everyone staring at me and I wanted to turn around and ask what the fuck they were all looking at._

_Then as quickly as the feelings came, they were gone, replaced by calm sadness and a warm hand at the small of my back. There was only one person who touched me there._

"_It's just you and me Scout," he murmured in my ear as I turned my head to the side._

"_Take me with you," I whispered, barely loud enough for myself to hear. _

_The tears fell and I wiped at them futilely as more followed. He shook his head and I turned my gaze back to the casket._

"_I meant everything I said back there Kate. I wouldn't do anything differently. It was always meant to be one or the other; never both of us. I'm glad it was you that got out."_

"_I can't do this without you. I feel like I can't breathe," I said, my words disguised in a sob._

"_Then let me come along for awhile," he whispered, putting a warm hand over mine on the casket. "Just like one of your cases. We'll start with an end and find a beginning."_

_I nodded and felt him follow me as I turned from the altar. Detective Beckett was back, strong enough to get me through today. It was a pie crust defense, easily broken and shattered. I comforted myself with the thought of painkillers and dreamless sleep when everything was said and done. _

_As I took my place back beside Alexis, I couldn't help but feel I didn't deserve to be sitting with his family. Even Meredith was in the second row of the large Cathedral and she had been with Castle longer than I ever would get to._

_Everyone had known Castle and I were together. Our relationship had done the tabloid circuit and finally reached the point where not everything we did was news. It didn't seem fair that I finally found him and then he was taken from me. Truthfully I knew even a lifetime wouldn't have been enough with Richard Castle. _

_The priest walked up the aisle and a breathless hush fell over the crowd of mourners._

_As the service began, the priest instructed everyone to be seated. I was in the seat closest to the aisle and I could see Castle sitting on the carpeted floor beside my pew, watching amusedly as the priest went on, quoting scripture._

"_It's funny isn't it? I never really was religious," he mused, watching the priest. "Mother arranged this. She always did have a flair for the dramatic."_

_I looked down at him with one eyebrow raised, wincing at the pull on my stitches. Having only been a week since the incident, I imagined that I still looked pretty ghoulish. I hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened in that warehouse, but the evidence was pretty clear. _

_Five stitches ran through my right eyebrow, the result of a heavy blow. The corresponding black eye was purple and angry, the bruise stretching across my cheek. My bottom lip was split, discouraging me from smiling, even if I wanted to. All my ribs ached with every breath I took, the three cracked ones hurting the most. Finally and most telling, aside from various other cuts and bruises was my immobile left arm. Two gunshot wounds, one to my shoulder, the other to my abdomen. They were in and out, missing any internal organs and major arteries. They had still bled like gunshots are inclined to do and there were a few blissful moments where I thought I would be going with him. But my injuries were far less serious, lending me more time on that cold, cement floor._

_I tuned back in as the priest asked for a moment of silence to reflect and pray. In that moment it felt like the whole city held its breath. Inside the church, not even a cough or a crying baby could be heard. Castle took my hand in his as I trembled in the quiet. When the moment was over, we kept our heads bowed as the priest began a prayer. A resounding amen echoed through the sanctuary, bringing everyone back into the service. _

"_Now Richard's daughter, Alexis will say a few words," he said as Alexis stepped forward to the pulpit. _

_She touched the casket briefly, drawing strength, then turned to face the substantial crowd._

"_How do I describe my father in a few short words? To do him justice when he meant so much to so many. I feel I should start by saying that he wouldn't want us to grieve for him or live in sorrow. He was too full of life to evoke such sadness. My father was a fan of turning to others wiser than ourselves when our own words fail us and I believe that this poem sums up what he would want us to do:_

"_We've known lots of pleasure,_

_At times endured pain,_

_We've lived in the sunshine_

_And walked in the rain._

_But now we're separated_

_And for a time apart,_

_But I am not alone-_

_You're forever in my heart._

_Death always seems so sudden,_

_And it is always sure,_

_But what is oft' forgotten-_

_It is not without a cure._

_There may be times you miss me,_

_I sort of hope you do,_

_But smile when you think of me,_

_For I'll be waiting for you._

_Now there's many things for you to do,_

_And lots of ways to grow,_

_So get busy, be happy, and live your life,_

_Miss me, but let me go."_

_She paused, swayed by her grief for her father and I had to look away. It was too hard to look upon the devastation I had caused. Alexis steeled herself, far braver than I'd ever be and continued, each word driving my guilt farther home. I looked down at Castle shakily and he took my hand, hushing me quietly._

_When Alexis finished, she took up her seat beside me again and I offered her a clean tissue from the ones my father had put in my sling earlier. The mayor spoke about what sort of person Castle was and how he was to become an honorary member of the NYPD in recognition of the services he had provided us with. _

_After the mayor finished speaking, a few more people stood to say a few brief words and then the priest took the pulpit again. We bowed our heads as he bestowed Castle with a parting prayer and let the pallbearers take up the casket again. _

_Alexis took my good hand again as we followed the processional out. I felt Castle at my side with his hand on my back, urging me to keep going as the bugle echoed out Taps to the church. _

I bolted upright in bed, still hearing the mournful sound in my ears. Sweat drenched my sheets as I struggled to free myself and draw breath into my lungs.

"Castle?" I cried, desperately searching the darkness.

"Right here Scout," he said, appearing at the end of my bed.

"Oh god."

I felt my stomach flip and hurried to the bathroom, banging into walls in my haste. My abs burned as I finished dry heaving and reached up a hand to pull the toilet lever. Castle crouched beside me as I leaned against the side of the bathtub.

"Hey, it's okay," he said, putting a hand on either side of my face.

I turned my gaze to his blue eyes and took his hands in my trembling grip.

"You're never coming back, are you?" I said, my tone low and matter of fact.

"No Kate, I'm not," he replied.

It was always the same answer, from the first time I had asked. In the first while after it happened, I was so angry. At myself, at him for leaving me alone. I lashed out and blamed him, often, but now all I felt was the same melancholy resignation that was my constant companion.

My days were slow and uneventful, but it was night I feared. The darkness and the stillness that did nothing to slow my racing mind. Even with Castle beside me, I couldn't let go and think on the past for long. In those few moments I allowed myself to stray, I was always struck by how raw my grief still felt. So much so that I didn't even attempt to contemplate our final moments together.

I didn't speak for almost a month after it happened. The only time words would pass my lips was in the long hours of sleeplessness when I would talk to the fantasy Castle that my damaged mind had conjured. No one else could see him or hear him. He didn't exist outside of my consciousness, but when we touched, for a few brief moments it was like he was there again. The sadness never lifted completely, but it became bearable. I was able to breathe and move on to the next moment in my life.

My doctor would call it a coping mechanism. I called it survival. Without Castle standing by me, talking to me, comforting me, I wouldn't have made it through these long months. Even broken as I was, I was still there.

Not letting go of his hands, I slowly hauled myself off the cold floor. Someday I would have to let go of him, but for now this dysfunctional illusion was enough.

To Be Continued….


	4. Courage Don't Desert Me

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,332

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

Author's Notes: Sorry I didn't get this up right away. Schoolwork is a beast. As always thank you to my reviewers and my fantastic beta for putting up with my neurotic questions. Now on with the show.

* * *

"You should try to sleep, love," Castle said, leaning against the counter as I brushed my teeth.

"We both know that's not going to happen," I sighed, putting my toothbrush back in its place.

For a moment I stared at my medicine cabinet, thinking about the anti-anxiety pills that lay beyond the mirror. The police psychiatrist had prescribed them after my failed psych evaluation. He had said it was post-traumatic stress disorder and putting me back in the field would be a liability. Montgomery had pulled some strings and kept me around, hoping that with therapy I would improve. Just another person I had let down.

"Go on. Get some rest and go out with Alexis tonight," he prodded, rubbing my back slowly.

"I don't know if I can."

I watched my hands curl around the edge of the sink and fought with myself. The pills helped me sleep, but left me feeling foggy and subdued for hours after I had woken. Mostly I couldn't find Castle when I took them. It might be better, I would be less likely to slip up in front of Alexis, but he had been around so long that I didn't know if I could go without him.

Briefly I thought back to the first time I had taken the pills, then the hysteria I felt when I realized he wasn't there. For hours I laid on my kitchen floor and cried. As the effects wore off he would be in and out, staying longer as time progressed.

It would be different this time I decided, popping one of the tablets before I changed my mind. I knew what to expect. This time it wouldn't be so much of a shock and eventually he would be back.

I held his hand as we walked into the living room and laid out on the couch. Castle ran his fingers through my hair, calming the anxiety that always stuck with me after a nightmare.

"Do you remember that Mets game we went to?" Castle asked, as I felt him laugh lightly behind me.

"The one where you managed to eat four hotdogs?" I yawned, shaking my head. "Alexis and I thought you were going to be sick."

"Not possible," Castle huffed in mock offence. "If anything was going to make me sick it would have been the way you and Alexis were mooning over the first baseman."

"He had a really nice butt," I sighed, turning onto my side and settling against Castle's chest.

"My dear, dear, superficial Detective," he murmured and I could hear the smile in his voice.

I felt him rubbing my arm gently and allowed my eyes to drift shut. The fond memory appeared at the forefront of my mind as I slipped under.

"_Come on, he was totally out!" I growled, leaning back in my seat. _

_Castle and Alexis looked on amusedly as they nodded. We watched the next batter step up to the plate and held our breath as the pitch was thrown. The Diamondbacks batter swung, missing the low ball and the crowd cheered as a strike was announced. Again the pitcher wound up, sending a fastball straight into the catcher's glove. The cheering grew as another strike was called. Finally we watched the pitcher take a deep breath, the large Mets logo rising and then falling as he exhaled. He reared his arm back, then stepped forward as his muscles propelled him through the release. We watched as the ball hurtled to home plate, dodging the batter's vicious swing. The stadium exploded with noise as the batter was struck out and the inning came to a close. _

"_I'm going to run to the bathroom," Alexis said, stretching out her cramped muscles. _

"_Do you want me to come with you?" I asked, handing Castle my purse as I stood._

"_No I'll be fine. I'll be right back, do you want anything while I'm up?"_

_Castle and I both shook our heads and Alexis took off up the aisle. I leaned into Castle as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. Work had been hectic and while still on call, a day out had been exactly what I hadn't know I needed. _

"_Thank you," I said, looking up at him from under the brim of my ball cap. "For today. I guess I was more stressed than I thought."_

"_Anytime, Scout," Castle grinned, leaning down for a kiss._

_I leaned farther in as I felt him tilt my ball cap back off my forehead. We broke apart as I felt someone tap my shoulder. A man behind us pointed to the giant screen at the other end of the field._

"_Smile you're on Kiss Cam," he laughed, settling back in his seat._

_I felt a blush creep up my cheeks as Castle waved and brought me in for another kiss as people cheered. With a final peck on my lips, Castle turned back in his seat and I rested my head on his shoulder as the game started up again._

It was almost eleven when I woke, alone and reclined against the arm of the couch. Castle was, as expected, nowhere to be seen. Still feeling groggy, I shuffled to the kitchen and flipped on the coffee maker. I tapped my fingers against the counter, biting my lip and looking at the clock. If I called Alexis then she might suggest lunch and a day out, not leaving me any time to stray to darker places alone in my apartment. Before I could change my mind, I dialed her cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Alexis. It's Kate," I stuttered, not expecting her to pick up on the first ring.

"Hey! How are you?" she asked, like we hadn't seen each other the day before.

"Fine. I was wondering if that shopping offer was still available?" I ventured, suddenly nervous.

If she said no, then I was facing a very rough day ahead of me.

"Of course!" she trilled, her tone suddenly much happier. "I just left Grams rehearsal. I could swing by and pick you up for lunch? Then we can go dress shopping after."

"That sounds great," I sighed, relieved.

"Great, I'll be there in about a half hour."

"I'll see you then."

I hung up and pressed the phone to my forehead. Why did she have to sound like I had just made her day? It was going to be hard enough being out in public again, but having to pretend to be happy was going to be a trial. The thought was almost enough to make me call and cancel, but I knew how disappointed she would be. If it meant making her happy, even at my expense, it was worth it. She had suffered more than anyone should have to in such a short life. I saw her thriving, heard about how she was the top of her class at school and wondered if I was ever that resilient? It was like looking into a funhouse mirror and seeing my mother's death and the fallout. In a strange paradoxical twist I found myself in a parallel situation and now could better appreciate the strength it had taken my father to put his life back together. It was so much easier living in the debris then starting anew.

With a shake of my head, I cleared my head and went in search of clothes. It had been so long since I had been required to wear anything other than Castle's hooded sweater and track pants. I found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, slipping them on and noting that my belt did up a few holes tighter. Finding a dress that hid my almost sickly frame was going to be a challenge. Fishing a pair of running shoes out from under my bed and sunglasses from my dusty old desk, I brushed my teeth and hair before taking my keys and going to the lobby to wait for Alexis.

To Be Continued…


	5. Where I've Been

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,198

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

Author's Notes: So in case I haven't mentioned it before, this is pre Sucker Punch. Umm I guess minor character spoiler from here on out, if you haven't yet seen Sucker Punch. No plot spoilers though, I keep it pretty original. As always, any and all thoughts are welcome. I'm always looking for ways to improve, ideas, whatever you want to say. Hats off to my very own Kate for putting up with me.

* * *

I fidgeted in my seat as Alexis and I rode in silence. Going a mile a minute, my mind raced through ideas for small talk. Each one sounded forced, even in my head.

"Gram will be glad to see you," Alexis supplied.

I turned from the window and forced a smile, trying to quell the nerves that raced through my body. It was strange not having Castle around, having gotten used to his presence in everything I did. Even in life he had been my constant shadow, always by my side.

"How is she?" I asked, trying to attempt conversation.

"She's good, busy. It's her first show since, well… you know," she said, her voice falling flat.

Another example of how life had moved on without me. Knowing the world kept going was far different than having the evidence in plain sight. I envied them all for their ability to pick themselves up.

Feeling the beginnings of a brooding mood creeping in, I gave myself a mental shake and put my best face forward for Alexis. Thankfully the car pulled over, also diverting my attention from my dark introspections.

"We're here," Alexis said, standing in front of a low key diner as I got out of the car. "Is this okay?"

"It's fine," I nodded, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans and following her inside.

"So what sort of dress did you have in mind?" Alexis asked, as we slid into a booth.

Before I could reply a waiter came from behind me to put our menus down, making me jump in skittish surprise. He muttered an apology, taking our drink orders and disappearing back into the kitchen.

"I- uh, I don't know," I said, trying to hide my discomfort.

It was harder being out again than I thought. I was acutely aware of every movement around me and each sound seemed loud in my ears. For the first time in months, the fact that Castle's murderer hadn't been found was at the forefront of my mind. Without Castle near me, I felt exposed and vulnerable.

"Kate? Are you okay?" Alexis asked, taking my clammy hand in hers.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, giving what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

"You know that you don't have to come tonight right?" Alexis said, not letting go of my hand. "I don't want you to feel obligated because of me."

"Hey, look at me," I said, catching the girl's blue eyes, so much like her father's. "Since when have you ever known me to do something that I didn't want to?"

A smile broke out across her face and I felt myself smile back as the tension eased. After that, we went on with lunch. Conversation flowed easily and I was surprised at how hungry I was when my burger and fries were placed in front of me. Alexis told me about the boy in one of her classes that she had been seeing. She said she wanted me to meet him sometime and I said maybe a trip out of the city sometime would do me good.

"Are you ready to shop till you drop?" Alexis asked as we settled the check and made our way back out onto the street.

"Do your worst," I laughed, letting her take my hand.

We made our way downtown, hitting a few smaller boutiques before heading for the larger department stores. Alexis chattered away and I gave her my opinion whenever she asked.

"Let's see about finding our dresses yeah?"

I nodded and let her drag me over to a rack of designer dresses. It had been awhile since I had bought anything to go out and some of the items were beautiful, evoking a feminine giddiness I hadn't felt in quite some time.

"What about this?" Alexis asked, holding up a dark blue strapless number to my thin frame.

"I don't think so," I said, my mind going to the pinkish scar on my shoulder. "Maybe something with a little more?"

She furrowed her brow in thought and nodded, going back to searching. A sales woman made me jump as she skulked forward and offered her help. Alexis politely declined and I let out a relieved sigh.

"Here, what about this?" she said, holding up a Audrey-esque little black dress. "We could get you a jacket or something to go with it? Or I found a couple more things. Why don't you try them on and see if you like any of them?"

Slightly overwhelmed by her enthusiasm, I just nodded and took the stack of clothes from her. We made our way back to the changing rooms, Alexis picking up a cropped jacket to go with the black dress as we weaved through the store.

"Alright, I'll be out here if you need help or anything," she said, giving me a gentle nudge into a cubicle.

Hanging up the stack of dresses, I put the black one on top. As my hands pulled off the faded blue t-shirt I took a moment to observe myself in the full length mirror.

A faint pink line ran through my right eyebrow, leaving a gap in the brow that I was sure would never fill in. My mind's eye could still see my bruised sides and feel the phantom ache of cracked ribs. Slowly raising a hand to the discolored scar below my left collar bone, I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

"_Don't you touch her!" BANG! BANG! "Kate!"_

I dropped my hand and turned from the mirror, reaching down to undo my belt.

"Dick? Honey could you take these up to the front for me?" came a lilting feminine voice from one of the other stalls.

"Sure baby, I'll meet you at the checkout when you're done."

I felt a cold chill go down my spine at the sound of the other, more masculine voice. The voice that would forever be imprinted in my mind. I pulled on my shirt and opened the door with trembling hands.

"Kate, are you alright? Kate?" Alexis asked, taking my hand.

"Where did he go?" I said, barely able to hear her over my racing heart.

"Who? Kate you're awfully pale, maybe you should sit down for a minute."

I pulled my hand roughly from her grasp, frantically heading to the checkout desk. Alexis followed me as I dodged people and clothing racks, trying to control my breathing and stave off the impending panic attack.

As I rounded the corner near the entrance, I froze. There he was, the man who haunted my every waking moment. The cause of every nightmare; every tear I had shed.

"Yeah, it's C-o-o-n-a-n," he said, spelling out his last name to the cashier.

Adrenaline surged through me as I realized I now knew the name of the man who had ruined my life. Without thinking, I rushed forward, leaving Alexis calling my name.

"Dick Coonan, NYPD! You're under arrest!" I yelled, letting my brain call up the familiar phrase.

His eyes widened and he took off out the front door back into the streets. Not giving it a second thought, I charged after him.

To Be Continued…


	6. I Will Follow Him

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,1698

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

* * *

"Hey!" I yelled, chasing the suited figure down the busy sidewalk.

He ran up the street, turning a corner sharply and I shouted for him to stop. Being in better shape, I could see the distance between us closing as he tired. I watched as he disappeared into an alleyway and I put on a burst of speed, not wanting to lose sight of him. As I entered the alley, we both realized that Coonan had run himself into a corner. A fence, easily ten feet high blocked any exit and the fire escapes were all out of reach. I watched the emotions flicker across his face as Coonan came to the conclusion his only escape was to go through me. He attempted to dodge around me, but I was quicker and tackled him at waist level.

We both tumbled to the ground, and I struggled to get control as we rolled across the dirty ground. As I fought to restrain him, the fact I hadn't trained in months became obvious and I felt myself tiring quickly. Finally sick of our game, Coonan straddled my lap and delivered a hefty punch to my face, sending my head bouncing off the cement. Dazed, I felt Coonan lean forward.

"Watch yourself Katie, I won't miss again."

With those words ringing in my ears I heard Coonan's footsteps retreat down the alley. Laying still for a moment and taking a few deep breaths, I rolled to my side, trying to quell the nausea I felt rising. About a foot from me, stark in its cleanliness in the grungy alley, was a square of brown leather. Reaching for it, I pulled it open to see Dick Coonan's New York State license photo staring back at me.

It was too easy. What were the odds that a professional assassin would put his real address on his license? Then again if said assassin was a cocky son of a bitch, anything was possible. I slid the wallet into the back pocket of my jeans and heaved to my feet. Using the rough brick wall for support, I slowly made my way back out onto the sidewalk. As I turned the corner back onto the street I had come from, Alexis spotted me and rushed forward.

"Kate! Are you okay? Who was that?" she asked, tilting my head up to get a good look at my face.

"No one, just someone I thought I knew," I muttered, holding the back of my head.

God that man hit hard. Alexis closely inspected what was sure to be a black eye tomorrow. All I wanted to do was be back in my apartment curled up watching movies with Castle. One day out and already things had gone to hell. Of all the stores in all the cities, he had to have been in that one. I suppose with the way my luck had been recently, I should just be glad he didn't shoot me on sight.

"Come on, let's get you back home. That looks like it's going to need ice," Alexis said, bracing her arm across my back and helping me walk to the curb where the driver waited.

"Alright, you get settled on the couch. I'll get you some ice," Alexis said, gently ushering me towards my small living room.

I did a quick sweep of the apartment, but Castle was still nowhere to be seen. Sighing, I sat on the couch and leaned my head back, wincing as the bump on the back of my head made contact with the corduroy.

"You don't have to do this," I said as Alexis pressed a dishtowel full of ice to my cheek.

"It's not a problem. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to," she smiled, echoing my sentiment from earlier.

"Sorry I ruined our day out," I murmured, taking the ice from Alexis.

"Nonsense, I can go back and get our dresses. That black one will look gorgeous on you," she said, reminding me so much of her grandmother. "That's if you still want to go."

She never was as pushy as Martha, even when it was for my own good.

"I'll pop some aspirin and be good to go," I said, squinting my eye experimentally.

"Great! I can bring your dress here and we can get ready together!"

I smiled, I hadn't seen her so excited in awhile. Even if it meant venturing out when Coonan had all but promised me that there was a hit out on me.

"That sounds like a plan. Something tells me that I'm going to need some help covering this up," I said, pulling the ice from my eye.

It must have started to darken, as I saw Alexis wince in sympathy.

"It looks worse than it is, trust me."

She didn't look assured, so I took her hand and pulled her down beside me. Immediately she curled into my side like the child I kept forgetting she was. I used one arm to return the ice to my eye and the other wrapped around Alexis's shoulders.

"Who was that guy?" Alexis asked quietly, picking up on my reluctance to talk about it.

"No one you need to worry about," I murmured, giving her an awkward sideways hug. "Now I think you have some shopping to finish up."

"Are you sure you're going to be okay? I mean, I can stay."

"Sweetie, all I'm going to be doing is downing some aspirin and taking a nap. I'll see you when you come over tonight."

Alexis nodded, still looking reluctant, but gathered her things and headed out. As promised, as soon as the door closed I fished some aspirin from the bathroom cupboard. I caught a quick glimpse of Castle in the mirror as I swallowed the pills, and I sighed in relief. He was coming back to me. Slowly, but in a few more hours it would be like it was before.

I took the wallet from my back pocket, and let it fall to the counter beside the sink. It flipped open, revealing the license and Dick Coonan's face staring back at me. The address was on the Upper Westside, easy enough to get to. If it was in fact where he lived.

Glancing to the clock, I decided that I had time to go check it out before Alexis came back later tonight. First however, was icing my eye and waiting for the aspirin to do its job. Getting fresh ice from the freezer, I reclined back on the couch and flipped on the TV. A daytime talk show seemed good enough background noise and I let out a sigh as the tension flowed from my body.

"_Oh grow up Dad," Alexis sighed, rolling her eyes._

_I bit my lip and went back to my own dinner as Castle protested loudly. Ripping off a piece of garlic bread, I saw Castle aim for his daughter's mostly empty plate, landing the bread there easily. With a glare Alexis aimed a meatball at her father, leaving a splattered circle on his cheek._

"_Now, now," I laughed, gathering up the finished remnants of our dinner. _

_After wiping his face Castle followed me to the sink, stacking dishes on the counter. I ran the hot water as Alexis brought her plate to the sink and went about putting the leftovers away. Still feeling mischievous, Castle flicked some of the bubbly water my way. The drops darkened the light blue of my shirt, making it cling wetly. _

"_Don't start something you can't finish, Castle," I said mildly, arching an eyebrow._

_Answering my look with one of his own, Castle splashed a larger portion of the soapy water in my direction, completely soaking my front and dampening my bangs. _

"_Oh! You're on!" I said, grabbing the sprayer nozzle from beside the faucet and turning it on Castle's shocked face._

_Alexis giggled behind me as I soaked her father in warm water. Castle seemed stunned, standing dripping wet in his own kitchen._

"_That's it woman, you're in for it now!" he said, bending down to throw me over his shoulder._

"_Castle! Put me down! Rick!" I shrieked, pounding on his back._

_Alexis gripped the counter to stay upright as she laughed. _

"_In this house we have a way of dealing with people like you," Castle said, dropping me to the couch._

_I bounced once with the impact, then laid looking up at him. The green button up shirt he wore clung to his solid frame, outlining the body beneath. _

"_Is that so?" I asked, unable to hide the grin in my voice._

"_Yes," he said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Tickle war!"_

_I yelped in surprise as I felt his fingers tickling my sensitive sides. Gasping for breath I tried to stifle the very girlish giggles that escaped my mouth._

"_Alexis help!" I yelled, trying to fight Castle off._

_The teen caught her father from behind, jumping on his back and locking her legs and arms around him._

"_Let her go!" she managed to choke through her laughter._

"_Ganging up on me eh? I see how it is," Castle said, grasping Alexis by the legs and standing._

_He spun carefully around the living room with his daughter clutched tightly to his back. Eventually he fell to the plush carpet, panting dramatically._

"_I am getting too old for this," he groaned, rolling over as Alexis lay out beside him._

_Moving to the floor, I kissed him lightly and laid on his other side. _

"_Yes dear," I murmured playfully, dodging the gentle swat in my direction._

_For a few moments we lay on the floor, staring up at the domed skylight and the fading New York City sun beyond. Even after a few short weeks I felt like part of the family. I still had my own place, but spent most of my down time here with Castle and Alexis. We had effortlessly moved from them and me to us, Martha having even taken to treating me like a surrogate daughter. _

_We all stood at the knock at the door, Alexis and I heading back to the kitchen while Castle went to answer the door. _

To Be Continued…

Author's Notes: I'm really sorry about the delay. It's crunch time at school and between studying for finals and getting job stuff in order, I've been super busy. I know some people had some concerns about timeline and such. Basically it goes AU sometime before Sucker Punch, with Beckett and Castle getting together. Hopefully you guys like reading this as much as I like writing it. Thanks as always to my beta and the awesome people who keep giving me feedback!


	7. Adiemus

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 2,418

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

* * *

I woke with a start, surprised at having nodded off. It was still early afternoon and the TV chattered quietly in the background. The ice for my eye had melted into a soggy dishtowel on the floor and I got up to toss it in the sink.

The bittersweet feeling of the dream still stuck with me. It was one of a thousand simple moments we had shared. Just a further reminder of what I had lost. The man, the father, the lover. All at center of what held our small, almost family together. It left a tangible hole in all our lives; one I found I couldn't replace.

In the bathroom I inspected the purple bruise spreading in a familiar pattern across my lid and cheek. If the pinkish scar through my eyebrow had been more raw, it would have been the same as it was after my first run in with Coonan.

My eyes slid to the wallet still sitting on my bathroom counter. Deceptive in its outward appearance. It was strange, how an object could symbolize so much. The man's face stood for what I had lost and what I might stand to gain. Not sure what I was going to do when I got there, I grabbed the wallet and put in back in my pocket. Pulling on Castle's baggy sweater, I pushed my hands through the frayed cuffs and grabbed my keys.

I had the cab drop me off a few blocks from his address, wanting to work out a game plan. My hands were shoved into the faded blue pocket of the sweater, one he'd bought at the Mets game, as I rounded the corner. Glancing at the numbers I stopped outside the building. There, on the intercom list, was his name. D. Coonan, apartment 24C. So innocent and normal. He had been here this whole time, while I suffered in a different part of the same city. The same city Castle was laid to rest in.

Backing away and leaning against a lamppost, I stared up at the windows and wondered which one was his. The memories were fuzzy, the result of me putting them as far out of my mind as possible, but as I stood there it began to come back. How we had run into Coonan in the first place. It was a tragedy born of another, similar, tragedy.

"_Hey Scout, what are you doing up?" he asked, rolling to face me in bed._

_I frowned slightly in the grey twilight glow, tracing the path of his bare shoulder and neck up to the curve of his jaw and back down._

"_What did you find?" I asked quietly, wondering if he'd know what I was talking about._

"_Find? What are you talking about?"_

_He moved closer to me, taking my hand and kissing my palm, tracing the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist. _

"_When you looked into my mother's case. You said you had leads," I said, my tone soft and even. _

"_And you said you didn't want to hear it," he reminded._

"_I-I think it's time," I sighed nervously. "I've been thinking about it for months and I've decided that not knowing is worse. I need to close that part of my life before I can move on, before we can move on."_

_He watched me closely, I could feel his eyes tracing my anxious features. The slow movement of his thumb on my wrist never stopped or slowed, consistent in a way my erratic heartbeat wasn't. I knew he could feel it under my skin, hammering away._

"_If you're sure," he said, waiting for me to nod. "Then I'll call Dr. Murray later and we can go over it all. We have good leads this time, and I promise that you won't be alone. Tell me you know that."_

_I finally brought my teary eyes up to his, searching for some trace of dishonesty or insincerity. All I could see was a stark seriousness and the love we hadn't yet put a voice to. I nodded, pressing a kiss to his mouth. _

We had began investigating after that. A few leads had gone cold with the time, but patterns could still be formed. All of the potential victims had been connected to my mother through some way. Every spare moment we had was devoted to the search for truth. Often times Castle and I would wrap up one case, just to jump back into my mother's until the next one pulled us away. We questioned a few persons of interest, but no solid suspects emerged.

Coonan hadn't even been a blip on our radar. His name had never come up during the course of our investigation, but he wasn't stupid. We must have been getting close, to something at least, for him to act.

"_This is the place," Castle said, looking up at the legal aid sign above the door. _

_I glanced around at the street, hoping the answers would jump out at me. No such luck. With a sigh, I grabbed Castle's hand and we walked inside. _

_It was a typical non-profit law office. A row of chairs lined the left wall and served as a makeshift waiting room. Beyond a low, half wall divider was a series of desks scattered about, all packed high with paperwork. _

"_Can I help you?" a young paralegal asked._

_She looked curious. Obviously we weren't the type of people that usually went through there. _

"_Yes, I'm Detective Kate Beckett with the NYPD and this is my associate Richard Castle. We were wondering if there was someone here who could answer a few questions."_

"_Sure, this way. You can have a seat there, I'll just get Larry. He's the 'guy in charge' around here."_

_We sat in the chairs provided on the other side of a desk with a name plate that read Lawrence St. Jean. A few minutes later the paralegal returned with a tall, scrawny, middle aged man. His glasses were on crooked and his tie was loose around his neck. The phrase underfunded and overworked came to mind. _

"_Thank you Christine. Detective, Mr. Castle," he said, taking up his chair and nodding to both of us. "I'm Lawrence St. Jean. How can I help you?"_

"_Mr. St. Jean, we have some questions about a murder that occurred here approximately ten years ago. We were wondering if you know of anyone who would be able to give us some information?"_

_I watched as recognition flooded his face. _

"_You mean Lindsay Cooper?"_

"_Yes, Mrs. Cooper was an attorney here at the time she was killed," I confirmed, looking down at my clipboard. _

"_Yeah, I know. I was just a student then," Larry said. "Lindsay would let me help out sometimes. You know, off the books. I would look stuff up, research, filing. Little stuff, but as you can see, around here, the more hands the better."_

"_How well did you know Mrs. Cooper?" Castle asked, interrupting the frazzled man's ramble._

"_Like a co-worker, I guess. She took me out for a drink after finals once."_

_He rummaged through the drawers of his desk, trying to locate something._

"_Had she been having any problems? Any threats that you knew of?"_

_Larry didn't pause in his search, but we watched him shake his head._

"_I didn't know her that well. Even if she did, she wouldn't have told me about it. Lindsay was a pretty private sort. Kept her home and work separate."_

"_Do you know what cases she was working on when she died?" Castle tried._

"_I might have them some- ah ha!" he exclaimed, triumphantly holding up an old rolodex._

_He flipped through a few sheets, pulling off one and offering it to me._

"_That's Lindsay's old address. She had a husband, but I doubt he still lives there. It's a start thought right? Now, let's see about those files."_

_Larry beckoned Christine the paralegal back to his desk asking her to look something up for him. It took a few minutes, but eventually she returned with a list and a stack of files._

"_Here's everything she was working on when she died. There's her original notes and then the notes of whoever picked up the case after she died. I hope that helps," Larry said, handing Castle the large stack._

"_Thank you Mr. St. Jean, you've been a great help. Here's my card if you think of anything else," I handed him the card with my name and number on it. _

_He accepted the card and nodded, seeing us to the dividing wall. Castle and I walked the rest of the way out of the office, past the people still waiting to be seen. I opened the door as Castle's arms were full, and ended up bumping into a man talking on a cell phone outside. _

"_Sorry," I murmured, bending down to help Castle pick up the files that had scattered. _

_After we had everything, we made our way back to the precinct. _

_Several hours and a huge headache later, I decided we should call it a night. Castle had given up, however unwillingly, an hour ago. He had fallen asleep in the chair beside my desk with his head tilted back and an open folder on his chest._

_Carefully extracting the folder, I put it on my desk and gently shook his knee._

"_Castle, Castle!" I barked, keeping my voice low._

"_What! I'm awake!" he protested, blinking tiredly._

"_It's okay. Let's call it a night."_

_He nodded and helped me with my coat, letting his hands linger on my shoulders for a moment. _

"_Stay with me tonight," he leaned in and whispered, slowly running his hands down my arms until they fell away and to his sides._

_I didn't answer, just gave a brief nod and let him lead me to the elevator on his arm. We kissed briefly in the elevator, laughing like teenagers with a secret. _

"_Why don't we grab a quick bite to eat, then head back to my place?" Castle suggested, turning me away from the row of cars parked out front of the station. _

_We wandered darkened streets that were never completely still. The city that never sleeps rolled on around us, but all I could think of was the man beside me. How he pulled me to him and kissed me under the light of a streetlamp. _

_It was the small moments I enjoyed most. When we weren't the detective and the author, not Beckett and Castle. We were just simply Kate and Rick, two people in love and unafraid to show it. _

_The 24hour diner was mostly empty when we walked in. It had the tacky 50's motif, but the food wasn't half bad. Probably the best we were going to find at the late hour. We both ordered, then the waiter left us in silence. _

"_What's with the serious face?" Castle asked, taking my hand. "You're off duty."_

"_Do you think we'll ever find them? It's just been so long," I sighed tiredly, leaning into Castle's shoulder. _

"_Hey now, we made real progress today. We've got some leads to look into. That one looks promising. Don't worry so much. Things have a way of working themselves out. You'll see," he said, pressing a kiss to the top of my head._

_The waiter appeared and set two milkshakes down in front of us. Suddenly we were back to being children. Castle took the end of his straw and painted chocolate milkshake on my nose, solely for the excuse of kissing it off and making me laugh. It wasn't long before the rest of our order arrived. _

_Our conversation turned to lighter topics as we finished our meal. Castle, predictably, tried to steal my fries when his own were gone and I ended up drinking more than half of his milkshake, despite my earlier arguments that vanilla was better than chocolate. We settled the tab and wandered back out into the night. _

_About a block from the diner, we were stopped by someone calling Castle's name. It wasn't uncommon for fans to stop him on the street, so we both turned around. _

_He got Castle first, before I could draw my gun. A quick syringe to the neck dropped Castle like a house of cards. Next came a quick disarming tactic that I recognized as something vaguely military, and then the sharp sting of a needle in my own neck. The last thing I heard as I lost consciousness was the man muttering 'you should have left it alone.'_

The sound of a car stopping across the road pulled me from my memories and I was surprised to find the sun had faded to darkness and Ryan and Esposito walking across to meet me. There was a marked cruiser pulled up behind them, but the uniforms just leaned uninterestedly against their car.

"Hey Beckett, what are you up to?" Ryan asked, as they came to stop in front of me.

"How did you find me?" I asked, already suspecting the answer.

"Alexis called us, she was worried. And she told us about what happened today," Esposito said, bravely laying a hand on my shoulder.

"He's the one who did it," I murmured, flinching under the gentle touch. "Dick Coonan. 24C."

I handed them the wallet with the license in it and looked up at the windows again. Some were dark, but most had a light on.

"You're sure. I mean it was a… rough time," Esposito said as delicately as he could.

"I'd never forget that face or that voice. Not for as long as I live," I answered, not turning from the windows.

"Alright, we'll pick him up, but we can't hold him for long without hard evidence."

"I know," I nodded, letting Ryan lead me back to their car.

Esposito and the uniforms went up the arrest Coonan while Ryan sat me in the passenger seat of their car. It wasn't long before they appeared again, with Coonan in cuffs. My hands itched to be the one to be putting him in that car. His rights were on the tip of my tongue, waiting to escape.

"Hey Beckett, why don't you ride with us and we'll give you a lift back to the station. I think it's time you talked to the Captain," Esposito said, looking at his partner.

I nodded again, slightly confused, and Ryan got in the back seat while Esposito slid behind the wheel.

To Be Continued…

* * *

A/N: So I should have been studying for the three finals I have left this week, but I figured we all need a break. I took one and this is what happened. One chapter closer to finding out what happened to poor Castle. Hope everyone is still hanging around and waiting with baited breath… or just reading is good too. As always thanks to everyone who took the time to review, it means a lot. To my beta Kate, kudos for keeping me out of my head. --April


	8. Back on the Horse

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,101

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

* * *

It was an uneventful drive to the station. The marked cruiser followed behind us as we weaved in and out of traffic. At the precinct the uniforms led a glowering Coonan up into one of the interrogation rooms. Esposito and Ryan seemed ready to question me, no doubt about the suspicious black eye that I was sporting.

"Beckett, my office," Montgomery said, cocking his head in the direction of his door and cutting off any inquiry.

"Yes sir?" I asked, coming to stand in front of his desk.

"I was wondering when you'd come back for these," he said, pulling out my gun and shield.

"What?" I asked, confused.

I had quit the department, as far as I knew. What I remembered was turning over my badge and gun and walking out of the precinct.

"You were a good cop Beckett. The best I'd ever trained. Did you think I was going to just let you go?" he asked, leaning back in his chair. "I cashed in every favor I had and Mrs. Rogers pleaded the case with the Mayor. Officially you've been on an extended leave of absence. She convinced the Mayor that the last thing her son would have wanted was to see you quit the job you loved because of him. Of course there will be conditions that you must follow, before you can be put back in the field."

"And Coonan?" I asked, rapidly trying to process the information I'd just learned.

I realized how much I owed the man in front of me and Martha. More than I could ever hope to repay. There wasn't anything I could say. After what had happened with Castle, the fact that Martha would go to that trouble to stop me from making possibly the biggest mistake of my life was beyond what I could comprehend at that moment.

"This doesn't look like the field to me. Let Esposito take lead," Montgomery said, sliding the badge and gun across the desk.

My hands shook as I picked up the familiar holster and badge. I had left a part of me with Castle the day he died and another part here when I left my hardware behind. It felt a little like coming home. I just wished Castle was here to share it. He would whisper some smart quip in my ear and tell me to jump in and nail the bastard to the wall.

I went to walk out of the office when Captain Montgomery's voice stopped me.

"You desk is waiting for you," he said. "And Beckett?"

"Yes Sir?" I asked, turning to face him.

"You get one of these, ever. Don't make me regret my decisions."

"I won't Sir," I nodded, walking back out into the hall.

My eyebrows shot up when I caught sight of Alexis sitting in what used to be her father's chair at my desk. She was dressed for her grandmother's premiere and I sighed, knowing how disappointed she was going to be.

"Kate! There you are!" she said, standing and hugging me.

"You look great, Alexis."

"Ryan and Esposito told me about what happened. Did you really catch him?"

"It's complicated. Listen Sweetie, I'm not going to make it tonight. There's… a lot going on."

"I know. I just stopped by to bring you this," she said, pulling a duffle bag out from beside the chair. "Dr. Parish let me into your place. I thought you could use these more than a fancy dress. But I have to go. Gram will be upset if I miss the curtain. Go get him Kate, for Dad."

She hugged me again and headed out of the precinct as I watched. Frowning, I opened the bag and saw a familiar blue button-up shirt and black slacks. My old detective clothes. I hurried to the locker room to change.

Pulling off my sweater, I startled at the familiar voice behind me.

"Scout you're shaking."

I turned and there he was, leaning against the lockers and watching me closely.

"What if I can't do this?" I asked, hardly more than a whisper.

He pulled me into a hug, resting his chin on my head. For a moment we stood together as I held onto him. My hands fisted in the grey jacket he wore and I could smell cologne and laundry soap from his light blue shirt.

"You can and do you know why?"

I didn't answer, just shook my head against his chest.

"Because you have something he doesn't," he said, pulling me back so I could look in his eyes. "The truth. You know what happened and now it's time to write the beginning. Everyone needs to know how this chapter started."

"I'm not ready," I protested. "Going out there means remembering. What if I don't want to remember it. What if I can't handle it?"

What I didn't say was that closing this case meant losing another part of him. Another degree farther away from him. The thought tightened my chest painfully and I clutched his sleeves in a hard grip.

"You're Detective Kate Beckett. This is just another day at the office for you. I'll be waiting when you're finished."

Bolstered slightly by his confidence in me, I pulled the clothes from the bag. Each piece felt like a step closer to getting Detective Beckett back. First came the pants, then the shirt tucked into the pants. Every button was done up with a methodical slowness, preparing myself for what lay ahead.

Inside the bag I found a pair of my work heels and a makeup bag. Lanie had been thorough. Putting the shoes on and feeling my height boost those few inches was like a cloak of power falling over me. The proverbial Batman's cape. Another notch on my confidence meter.

I used the makeup to cover the black eye as best I could. It wasn't noticeable if one didn't care to look too close. Next I pulled my hair from the loose ponytail and brushed it to fall straight around my shoulders. Mask in place, check.

My gun was strapped to my hip, feeling the need to keep it old school. Finally my badge clipped to my belt. After all, what would a superhero be without their symbols?

I glanced up at the locker room mirror and saw Detective Beckett staring back. She looked a little thinner, a little worn around the edges, but she was there waiting for me to make the next move. Castle stood behind me, looking like he always had and for a moment it was as if nothing had changed. He was still my ever eager shadow, my partner, the love of my life.

"Aren't we pretty," he murmured, giving me a boyish grin in the mirror. "Now go get 'em Scout."

With one last resolute nod I stepped out of the locker room, ready to close this chapter of my life. Dick Coonan was the page that hadn't been written yet. The final loose end to so many of the mysteries of my past. He had the answers I needed and nothing was going to stop me from getting them.

To Be Continued…

* * *

A/N: Firstly let me apologize for the delay. It would appear that things are just beginning when you graduate from college. Job stuff is a bear, a million things to do and not enough hours in the day to do them. I hope everyone is still with me on this. Only a couple more chapters left, possibly an epilogue. I know y'all are dying to find out what happened to Castle (no pun intended). The next chapter will hopefully be up sooner than this one. There's a couple snags I still have to work out, but other than that it should be good to go. Thank you to everyone still reading. Muchos Gracias to those who take the time to leave a comment. Now back to my writing hermitage. Later days!


	9. This My Darkest Hour

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 3,091

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

A/N: **WARNING: Contains potentially disturbing/upsetting content. Read at your own risk.** Finally we get to the bit everyone's been waiting for. There's probably an epilogue after this. Grab your tissues and hang on.

--For Kate who requested my special brand of angst--

* * *

I walked slowly down the stairs from the locker room with my shoulders squared and my head high, ready for a fight. Ryan looked up from his desk and his eyes widened slightly, but he smiled and stood when I reached him.

"Welcome back," he said, handing me the file. "Esposito's already in with him. Letting him sweat it out for a bit."

With a nod I walked to the interrogation rooms, pausing at the door. I took a deep breath, preparing myself to face Coonan again. This time things were in my favor. He was on my turf and I controlled everything.

The door swung open as I entered and both Coonan and Esposito turned to meet my eyes. Coonan smirked and leaned back in his chair.

"Mr. Coonan, can you account for your whereabouts from the morning of June 27th to the night of the 28th?" I asked, taking a seat beside Esposito.

"That was almost six months ago Detective, I barely remember what I did two days ago."

Coonan regarded us carefully, calculating. His expression was cool, like he didn't think we had anything on him.

"Well Detective Beckett here can specifically put you at the scene and I do believe you had a bit of a run in this morning. At the very least we have you for assaulting a police officer," Esposito chimed in, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. "I'd start recalling if I were you."

"I was out of town. On business. And you," he pointed at me. "Attacked me. Some woman comes running at me out of nowhere. What else was I supposed to think?"

"I've got an entire department store of witnesses that will say I clearly identified myself as a police officer and informed you that you were under arrest. So unless you want to add evading arrest to your charges, you better get talking. Now we both know where you were on those dates," I growled, slamming my hands on the table. "People are dead Coonan. Important people. I won't stop until you have a needle in your arm."

A subtle touch on my arm from Esposito brought me back down. I sat back down. There was no way I could afford to screw this up.

"I don't know what you're talking about Detective. Maybe you hit your head? I was out of town on business for those days. I had a meeting with some backers about setting up a school overseas."

"I want all those names and your travel documents," I said, calmly flipping through the file in front of me. "But first I'd like you to take me through your schedule on those days. Starting from the evening of the 26th."

"I told you I don't remember exactly. I got to Washington on the redeye on the 26th, then met with some people on the 27th and left early morning on the 28th. Give me a break."

"Do you have documentation to corroborate this? Because right now, I've got a statement from a witness who says that someone who looks an awful lot like you was seen putting Detective Beckett into the back of a black van on the 27th."

To his credit, Esposito didn't falter on the bluff. I was the only witness. No one else had come forth. Coonan, luckily, didn't know that. He did however know that we had nothing else implicating him. No forensic evidence had been found at the warehouse or the place where Castle and I had been taken. The van had never been found. Coonan's efficiency spoke of years of practice.

"Well what's it going to be Coonan?" I pressed, getting in his face again. "I also seem to remember you uttering some pretty nice death threats this morning as well. Why don't we just keep adding things on?"

"That would never hold up in court! It's only your word against mine!"

"Now how would you know that? Unless you were there this morning?" Esposito said smoothly.

It was enough to rattle Coonan. I curled my hands into fists on the table as we shoved him to the ropes. He fumbled for an excuse, finally giving in.

"What else are you lying about?" I said, going around the table and invading his personal space.

"Nothing, you stupid bitch. Now back off!" he yelled, pulling on the cuffs keeping his hands attached to the table.

"Is that what you do Dick? Intimidate people to keep them quiet? Or do you just kill them? Can't have any witnesses right? I bet it was a shock to see me alive. You thought you finished the job back there, but there I was. I'm about to be your worst nightmare."

There was an inch of space between our faces and I could see the anger simmering in his eyes. Those cold eyes that I saw in my dreams. I wondered if his pride would let him keep up the denial or if he would try to get in the last scathing comment.

"Hardly a nightmare Detective," he leered, roaming him eyes over my body. "You look just like her. Scream just like her too."

I felt the bile rise in my throat as he mentioned my mother, but I swallowed and faked a grin.

"Gotcha you sadistic son of a bitch," I murmured, pulling away. "Did you get that Esposito?"

"Every word. I do believe he just admitted to two homicides and one attempted murder of a police officer."

"What!? No I didn't. You tricked me! That's coercion. I want a lawyer!" Coonan yelled, pulling furiously on his bonds.

"No problem, you can't wait for him in lock up," Esposito said, closing his folder. "Dick Coonan you're under arrest for the murders of Johanna Beckett and Richard Castle, and the attempted murder of Detective Kate Beckett."

"Wait!" Coonan said as Ryan entered to take him away. "I have information, about the people who hired me. Give me a deal and I'll tell you everything."

My relief was short lived as his words sunk in. Of course, Coonan was just the bottom of the totem pole. I had been so focused on catching him and putting him away, I'd almost forgotten the bigger picture. There were people higher up responsible. People who needed to pay.

"Let's hear what you have to say and then maybe I'll consider asking the DA to take off the death penalty."

"No way! What I know is worth more than that," he protested.

"That's my offer, take it or leave it," I said, crossing my arms.

"Whatever. You may have caught me, but they'll just get someone else to finish the job."

"Take him away."

"It was supposed to be just you! Castle was just a sweet bonus," he yelled on the way out the door.

I heard him and felt my blood boil. Before anyone else could react, I had delivered a strong right hook to his face.

"You son of a bitch," I screamed, feeling Esposito grab me around the waist.

Ryan kept hold of a laughing Coonan as Esposito turned me in the direction of the break room. I pulled out of his grasp and nodded tiredly as all the fight left my body.

On my way to the break room I turned to look over my shoulder, grinning when I saw Esposito and Ryan slam Coonan into a wall.

"This is police brutality! I'll sue!" he yelled.

"No way bro. I saw it, you totally tripped," Esposito said, pulling Coonan along.

"You really should be more careful," Ryan shrugged, helping his partner.

I felt a tired smile pull at my lips. Even after all this time, the boys still had my back.

In the break room I sunk into the old couch, exhausted. The interrogation with Coonan had drained everything out of me. It was hard to believe it was finally over. We hadn't found out who Coonan was working for, but hopefully the DA could get him talking. With a sigh I looked around the room, noting it hadn't changed. I didn't imagine it ever would.

Castle appeared, sitting beside me and I leaned against him, exhausted.

"It's over," I murmured.

"Now all that's left is to remember," Castle whispered, taking my hand in his.

My eyes landed on the espresso machine and a lump formed in my throat. Coonan's words about Castle were still ringing in my ears. His voice still sounded the same. It was like being in that warehouse all over again.

"_Wakey, wakey Detective," I heard as I felt someone shaking my shoulder. _

_It was dark in the warehouse, the neon overhead lights giving off a hard glow and I wondered how long I'd been out for. The light hurt and I squinted, trying to bring up a hand to shield my eyes but found them bound. Plastic zip ties held my hands behind the back of the chair I was sitting on and I could feel the ache setting into my shoulders, telling me I'd been in this position for some time. _

_As I gathered my bearings I took stock of myself. My feet were similarly bound together with the plastic ties, and my head throbbed from whatever had been in that syringe. I wondered how Castle was faring._

_The thought brought me alert instantly and I looked to my right and saw Castle, bound the same way I was, starting to stir. A man moved to a table set a few feet in front of us and I cringed when I caught sight of the objects laid out. Among them were my gun, badge and our cell phones, presumably shut off to prevent a trace. _

"_Castle, you okay?" I asked, unable to reach for him._

_He lifted his head in my direction and gave me a groggy unfocused look, but managed a nod._

"_That's enough chit chat," the man said, picking up something from the table. "Let's get to the fun part."_

_Before I knew what was happening, the crushing pain of hard brass hitting my face sent me reeling. My vision blurred and the chair rocked with the force of the impact. _

"_Kate! You leave her alone, you son of a bitch!" Castle yelled, obviously more awake. "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"_

"_You'll get your turn soon enough Mr. Castle. Let Katie and I have our fun first hmm?" _

_I felt a shiver of fear run down my spine for the first time. The man's voice was calm and he truly sounded like he intended to enjoy himself._

_Blood had begun to run from my brow and across my closed eyelid, but even closing my eyes did nothing to dispel the pounding headache that pulsed with every beat of my heart. Through the pain I tried to formulate a plan, an idea, anything that would gain us the upper hand. _

"_Why are you doing this?" I asked, trying to distract him and buy us time._

"_Well you see Kate, you and Mr. Castle here have been sticking your noses into places where they don't belong. Trying to find things that should just be left alone. That's making some people a little nervous. So they sent me to make sure that whatever you've found doesn't go any farther that yourselves," he said, setting the brass knuckles back on the table._

"_This is about my mother's case?" I asked, panting slightly as a wave of nausea rolled through me._

"_We didn't find anything," Castle said. "We'll stop looking if you just let us go."_

"_Now where would the fun in that be? Plus my employers wouldn't look too kindly on me breaking a contract. Of course the contract was just for the lovely detective here, but I've always been a two for one kind of guy."_

_With that the man grabbed a metal baton and sent a hard hit to Castle ribs, causing him to gasp and tense him jaw. More blows rained down from either side and I felt hot anger rising as I was forced to watch._

"_Hey!" I yelled._

_It occurred to me that my hands were bound together, but not to the chair and I attempted to stand with my feet tied so close together. _

"_I'm feeling a little neglected over here. I might have to be jealous."_

_My plan to draw him away from a wheezing Castle worked as the man pushed me to the cold cement floor and delivered a few swift kicks to my ribs. I whimpered as I felt something crack, but wouldn't give him the satisfaction of crying out._

"_Is-is that all you got?" I gasped, trying to breath past the burning in my chest._

"_Oh no, my dear. I'm just beginning." _

_He hauled me back into my original position on the chair and went back to the table as Castle and I watched, helpless. _

_I lost track of time as he beat and abused us; first one, then the other. It all faded into a blur of pain and useless banter and reassurances. After a time, I stopped looking at Castle, unable to see the defeat in his eyes. By then it had set in that neither of us would be walking out of here alive. The warehouse was going to be our tomb. How very Shakespearean it was that we were going to die together._

"_Well kiddies," the man said, glancing at his watch. _

_I could barely see him past the swelling around my eye and pain and exhaustion meant I couldn't lift my head high enough to look at him fully._

"_I have to say, I had a blast. You two really are a riot. But now I've got another appointment to get to and so do you I'm afraid."_

_He picked up my cell phone from the table and for the first time I noticed that he had packed up the other tools on the table. White gloves were on his hands as he turned my phone back on and dialed. _

"_9-1-1 what's your emergency?" came a voice as he put the speakerphone on._

"_This is for Captain Roy Montgomery of the 12__th__ precinct. There's been a murder. One of his officers has been shot along with her civilian associate."_

_I struggled to stay focused as he rattled off the address of where we were and hauled Castle and I to our feet._

"_Sir I need you to stay on the line, the police have been dispatched."_

"_I'm afraid it's too late. Better send a coroner."_

_He pressed a button and disconnected the call, but left the phone on. Then he turned to Castle and I standing shakily side by side. I felt all the blood drain from my face as he picked up my gun with one gloved hand._

"_It seems we've reached the end of our liaison," he sighed, flipping the safety off._

"_Don't you touch her!" Castle yelled, trying to move in front of me, but it was too late._

_BANG! BANG!_

_I felt the bullets rip into my already battered body, knocking me to the ground. My head bounced off the hard cement once and then I was still, dazed. Two more shots echoed out in the large industrial space and then Castle was on the floor beside me and the man was gone._

"_Castle?" I rasped, trying to speak past the burning pain and cold warring within my body. _

_Taking a deep breath I rolled to my side and saw him laying on his side facing me._

"_Rick!" _

_I scooted closer to him, feeling blood running across my chest and stomach. His eyes fluttered, but were glassy when they met mine. Dark stains had begun blooming on his chest and lower abdomen as well._

"_Just hang in there. He called 9-1-1. They'll be here soon. Talk to me babe, please," I begged, getting more hysterical by the second._

"_Kate," he finally choked out. I wasn't encouraged by the crimson staining his lips. "Promise me you'll get out. That you'll watch out for Alexis…"_

"_No, Rick. Honey, don't talk like that. We're going to both get out of here," I rambled, even as I felt my head swim. "You're going to see Alexis graduate from Harvard and we're going to get married and have a whole house full of Castle babies."_

"_You can barely handle me," he whispered. _

_I used the last of my strength to push us together. Our foreheads touched and I could feel his nose brushing mine._

"_Please, Kate. I need to know that Alexis and you and my mother are going to be okay."_

"_We will," I promised, kissing his lips and coming away with the coppery taste of blood. "So will you. Just a little longer, Rick please."_

"_I know it's a bad time, but I want you to know that I love you Kate."_

"_Richard Castle don't you dare say goodbye," I sobbed, wishing my hands were free to hold him._

"_It's not goodbye, it's until tomorrow. Whenever that may be."_

_My tears were falling freely now, stinging the cuts on my face._

"_Until tomorrow, Rick. I love you."_

_I felt him nod and cough heavily. Closing my eyes I whispered to him all the things we were going to do, even as every part of my body protested the energy I was using. Eventually his shaking stopped and his gasping breaths fell to silence._

_Things beyond that became a little hazy. I remembered crying until I couldn't breathe and drifting in and out, mostly in shock, as Castle's body cooled against mine, chilling me to the bone._

_I don't know how long we laid there on that cold floor, but eventually the sound of sirens could be heard outside. Then Esposito was there with Ryan and Captain Montgomery and even Lanie. The paramedics lifted me onto a stretcher and fitted an oxygen mask over my face as Esposito held my hand and urged me to hang on just a little more. My own words to Castle echoed in my head and I turned to see Lanie crouched above him. She had two fingers pressed to his neck and her wrist trembled as she counted off the seconds on her watch. I started sobbing anew as she shook her head, confirming what I had already known. _

_There wasn't enough air to be drawn into my lungs as they loaded me into the ambulance and Esposito hopped in beside me._

"_It'll be okay Kate. I'll see you in a little while," he said, taking my hand again._

_I had time to wonder what he meant then there was a sharp sting in my arm and my world was going black._

To Be Continued...


	10. See You Tomorrow

Author: Elizagoth

Word Count: 1,362

Rating: M (Adult subject matter)

Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following work of fiction.

* * *

The precinct was quiet as I sat at my desk, Castle in his chair like always. It had been a month since we'd finished with Coonan and he was currently cooling his heels in prison awaiting his trial. The DA hadn't been able to talk him into giving up his employers, but for now having him was enough.

Slowly I was returning to an even kilter. I hadn't touched a drink or a pill in the time since Coonan's interrogation and while the nightmares were still there, they were becoming less crippling. Having work to occupy my time helped. I don't think our paperwork has ever been so complete and up to date. I still wouldn't be considered for field duty for a couple more months at least and as part of my 'probationary period' I was required to meet with a therapist a few times a week.

The sessions seemed to be helping. Once I had given up my show of frosty solidarity, I found the tolerant woman actually worth talking to. She didn't judge or reprimand me for any of my decisions nor did she pity me for what I had gone through. The quiet middle aged woman provided a neutral presence and offered opinions and suggestions only when asked.

Ryan and Esposito seemed thrilled to see me starting to get back to my old self. I wasn't there and I knew I still had a long way to go, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I would never be who I was before Castle left (I still couldn't bring myself to use the D word), but just maybe, with time, I could be a new, stronger someone.

Lanie still came by once a week to check on me, old habits die hard, but instead of pulling me out of a drunken stupor, she took me out to lunch and we chatted like we used to.

Even Alexis and I were growing closer. For the first time since the incident, I felt like I was doing what Castle had asked and taking care of his family. Martha was busy being wrapped up in her play and Alexis still had school, but we always found time to talk or meet up. Martha and I were planning to surprise Alexis in a couple weeks and make the trek to Boston to visit.

She was currently home for the weekend to celebrate her Grandmother's birthday and I wasn't surprised to see her name pop up on my cell phone display.

"Hey Alexis, what's up?" I asked, leaning back in my chair and smiling at Castle.

"Are you free later?"

"I'm done in an hour. I can meet you somewhere for dinner if you want."

"Actually would you mind coming over to the loft? I've got some school things to finish up, but I wanted to talk to you, while I was home."

I felt a flutter of panic in my stomach and Castle reached out to take my hand. Even on the mend, I hadn't gotten up the courage to go back to Castle's loft, well Alexis and Martha's now. As far as I had come, seeing all the places where we used to be together might just be more than I could handle at the moment. Yet there was only one way to find out. I had therapy tomorrow anyway.

"Uh- yeah. I'll be over in a little while."

Before she could say more than OK I hung up the phone. Castle didn't speak as I brooded over my decision. He was becoming less and less a fixture in my life; more for support on off days and bad nights which still happened every so often. I still didn't have the courage to let go completely.

With paperwork to keep my hands busy the last hour of my shift finished and I packed up my desk. Grabbing my coat off the chair, I walked out into the sunny afternoon. I hailed a cab instead of taking the train and a half hour later I was standing in front of his building.

"Go on then Scout," he whispered, nudging my shoulder gently.

"I just- need a minute," I murmured, sticking my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

Being in his home, his space would make everything real. Strange how after feeling the life drain from his body or seeing his casket lowered into the ground I was still able to hang onto a shred of denial. If I was perfectly honest, sometimes I expected him to walk into the precinct with a cup of coffee and tease me like any other day. But seeing the places where he used to work and we used to love each other would bring back any of the thousand bittersweet memories that I didn't know if I could handle thinking about.

With a nervous tremble I bit the bullet, so to speak, and walked through the lobby doors. The doorman waved, having recognized me from before. It was a sign that some things would never change. The hallways still looked the same and the ugly vase of fake flowers was still the first thing you saw off the elevator. His door was still red and it felt strange to knock after practically living there before.

"Kate! Hi," said Alexis, hugging me and moving aside to let me in. "How have you been?"

"Good. Busy," I shrugged as I stepped out of my shoes.

"That's good. Are you hungry? I ordered Chinese."

"Perfect."

I wasn't really all that hungry, but I knew she still worried about me. The loft looked practically unchanged. The same furniture, maybe a few different knick knacks. His study door was open and I could see his desk and chair through the doorway.

"Come on in," Alexis said, leading me to the study.

His desk was currently covered with notes and textbooks, which Alexis hurriedly packed away.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something," she said hesitantly.

I sat down carefully on the couch, noticing that nothing in the office had changed. The odds and ends on his desk were in the same place and the same order. Even the art on the walls was untouched.

"Here, you can sit here."

Nervously I moved to sit in his desk chair while Alexis pulled a box from a filing cabinet.

"My dad wanted you to have this."

She opened the flat box and set a crudely bound stack of papers in front of me. I looked at it, unsure.

"It's his last, unpublished manuscript. I haven't read it in full, but it's complete. This is the original draft. No one else has looked at it except him and I've seen a few chapters, but not the finished version. I wanted you to be the first," Alexis explained, kneeling down beside me and taking my hand. "I can't even imagine how hard this all must have been for you and I kept trying to find the right time to give it to you. Up until now I wasn't sure you would even accept it."

She was right of course, I wouldn't have. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. When you're in the midst of it, the feeling becomes like a living thing that molds and twists and takes over your life. It goes on until you barely recognize yourself. Denial and grief, a potent cocktail of emotions.

"I don't know what to say. Are you sure you want me to read this?"

"I am. Even if I wasn't, the dedication would be enough to convince me," she affirmed, patting my leg and standing. "I'll be out at the dining room table with my books. Come find me when you're ready."

I watched her walk away and shut the office door. With shaking hands I lifted the title page, _Diamond Heat._ The dedication was simple, but said so much and I felt a watery smile curve my lips.

_For Kate. Thank you._

Castle stood from his couch, going to the door of the office.

"Hey Castle?" I said, turning to the first page of the manuscript.

"Yeah Scout?"

"See you tomorrow."

-FIN-

* * *

A/N: Well that's all folks. Thanks for sticking with me. Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing. I don't know where I'll be going next. Maybe back to my series. We'll see what happens. Adios for now! –April

Like it? Love it? Loathe it? Let me know.


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